


Life and Love

by meupclose



Category: Batman (Comics)
Genre: Character Study, Christmas fic, JayTim_Secret_Santa_Exchange_2016, M/M, Rebirth elements, happy dorks, little angsty, tims pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-20
Updated: 2016-12-20
Packaged: 2018-09-10 15:11:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8921941
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/meupclose/pseuds/meupclose
Summary: Tim's point of view on life and love. 
Winter was in Gotham. It's crisp almost daringly clean air made the cityscape dotted in white specks of snow oddly beautiful. The chill kept the bad guys at bay, no one wanting to be outside in such weather unless Mr. Freeze was out and about causing havoc. They stood there a moment overlooking the city. The cackle of their comms alerted them to a few things over the police scanner the batcomputer picked up but others were in route. For once, Gotham seemed to quiet. Allow the snow to cleanse the evil cloud of smog always hovering over it. Tim dared to say it was beautiful. But then again his eyes weren't on the city below like Jason's were.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [RivetingFabrications](https://archiveofourown.org/users/RivetingFabrications/gifts).



> Have a very happy new year and holiday season love -- Cas

Understanding, Tim believed, to be the most difficult challenge in a relationship. There were constant hurtles. Sometimes randomly appearing to test every inch of a foundation constructed to be indestructible. Especially their’s. It could seem the very world was out to get them more often than not. And Tim didn’t just think about the current time frame, but the whole of their life. The weight of those thoughts were a pressing reality worrying a sore spot on Tim’s conscious daily.

That was the life of being a superhero period. It could end in an instant. Or it could end slowly-- a villain desiring to drag it out until you just didn't exist anymore. Tim thought about death often. Not in a morbid way, but more resignation in a scientific one. He knew all of them had committed something no ordinary person could when they became heroes or vigilantes. They would all die in the field eventually. They were suicide-- they were dead the moment a uniform was pressed into their hands and they put it on. He was certain all soldiers felt this way in some light. Those who fight in wars for their flag and country or those people who lived to protect others from harm. Life became extra around them, a bittersweet moment of time. It made Tim cherish every second he had that didn't involve fighting crime. It was why right now his eyes weren't on Gotham.

He could watch Jason for hours– days– maybe forever if allowed.

Fondness crept up on his face without his actual knowing. Heat ignited easily to paint the furthest tips of his ears in a crimson hue from the smallest detail learned. Tim prided himself solely that he knew more sides to Jason Todd than anyone else. Probably more than Batman if he really wanted to be bold. But he did explore the extent of all the layers Jason opened up to him. It was a job wasn’t it? He should understand everything about the man who utterly destroyed him.

It really was like that. Destroyed the most important word shared between them. The boy having been electrocuted, revived– brought back to life almost as much as the other. Jason knew how self destructive and selfless Tim could be the very second he saw him. Tim had felt exposed when their gazes met and held for more than four heartbeats. Nothing had to be said. Not a muttered word, or a simple hello. And Tim– he knew that Jason wanted to be the reason of his total annihilation in that moment. To see the wreckage with a sparkling grin and to be the main reason for it. It was easy to break Tim piece by piece because to over look someone like him...only took one to look away to forget.

Tim already allowed the world to swallow him up. To think often that all could be left was a uniform in a glass case– it was surely his destiny. It had been Jason's. It had been so many of their friends.

But the crash wasn’t to destroy as everyone would assume from the Red Hood. Especially next to a star like Jason who’s light could burn out every shadow in his immediate radius no matter that inherent darkness. It was incredibly easy to build a fake reputation in this life. Especially with super computers to remove all your DNA and information from every single source within their world. It was easily to lose yourself. Jason used the opportunity to take on some of the roughest people with an iron fist and a frightening threat of a confrontation ending in death-- if necessary. But unlike the reputations that make some of the most difficult villains of Gotham and cities globally tremble in their beds. Jason used the crash to rebuild between them. To gather every tiny piece of Tim and grin at it– to insert witty and comical commentary as to why Tim overworked himself. Jason wheedled more time for ramen noodles at three am than Tim thought possible for this very reason, brushing his legs close– stealing his food with a daring smile that brought chills up Tim’s forearms.

Tim fell so hard for this dazzling ex-robin that all he could do was promise to never take his eyes off him. Jason had said ok.

Everything quickly spiraled to be Jason focused without his permission and Tim himself only just got back into Gotham. It was easy to stay out of reach. To linger around the star like a satellite because it was default behavior in Red Robin– who really under all the layers of black and red armor still never completely felt ready to be anything but a sidekick. No matter the leadership of the Teen Titans, or his genius in building high tech for Wayne Enterprises on the side. Maybe it was because he was the middle of the group. The one just too young to be taken too seriously, and just old enough to have these strong feelings without his fucking consent.

Tim loved Jason Todd. He didn't say it. Never to words. Never to himself.

But Jason saw him back. He understood why Tim lingered just in orbit, and Tim-- he figured out why Jason wore a mask for everyone to believe. Jason enjoyed being alone. Reading in the morning with a pair of glasses sitting on his nose with a cup of strong coffee and a weary yet content smile. One minute Jason could be furiously punching a bag, screaming in training until Bruce had to put him down on the mat with a hard restraint. But it was passionate regardless. Jason wanted to be the best to save people and Tim saw that in the spark of his gaze when Bruce laughed his way when he got a decent hit in surprise. They could hide and hide around everyone. Jason could wear a certain mask for Bruce, Dick, Babs, and everyone else just as much as Tim hid behind his silence. 

As much as Tim claimed that Jason was his star he very much was Jason’s. Tim wasn't accepting of this. He was just protecting himself...he had no other reason.

“I am one hundred percent sure, you all– are making this up,” Jason had his arms tightly crossed over his chest in a powerhouse stance of defense. Tim perched behind him looked on to the spectacle that Damian and Dick could achieve when they were aligned in an agreeable topic. Jason’s shoulders tensed as Robin chattered on happily arrogant and quite adorable if Tim wanted to admit such a word to the runt. Jason hooked gloved fingers around the edge of his helmet now disposed tightly into his hip.

Tim knew the other was only being abrasive because the topic made him uncomfortable. Which was sad if anyone paused to realize his anger was warranted most of the time. The other two didn’t notice the way Jason’s eyes darkened subtly when they joked about their privileged life. Outside their own tragedies could any of them be any worse than being murdered? Not that grief or trauma could be quantified-- so maybe that was what made this a ticking time bomb. Tim could only imagine what dark memories flickered behind Jason's gaze when the other two picked on him in this fashion.

Tim admitted he didn’t know what it looked like to sleep on the ground, peering up from dark and dirty alleyways wondering if the stars would peek out. Or if the rumbling in his belly would cease to stop long enough he could shove something quickly down his throat to sedate it for the night. He didn't know what being beaten to death with a crowbar while a haunting familiar laugh threatened to imprint in his mind forever. He did know loneliness. The bone chill it brought even in a nice house and cozy bed...

He pressed his palm carefully on Jason’s shoulder, meeting lifted fingers that hooked through his own in quick appreciation to the grounding. It was a silly conversation for the group to have regardless of aiming to make Jay frown. How they actually got on food eating contests was beyond him. Maybe quiet nights weren’t such a good idea when all the bat boys were in town. But Tim noticed Jason’s jaw pop in constriction, a crunch of enamel along his back molars telling him this was hitting something way deeper than being annoying. Which didn't make sense. The detective in Tim wanted to know what wasn't actually being said-- this wasn't the issue but the trigger.

“Just because you can’t eat that many hot dogs in one sitting doesn’t mean it’s a lie Littlewing,” Dick interrupted any inquiry to it and shoved the other playfully, earning only a deeper scowl from the grumpy ex-robin. There was always a spark that happened. A contact not as welcomed that sent a shiver across Jason’s entire spine. Tim felt the effects sadly, it was a defensive stance and nothing Dick or Damian did on purpose but it was like shooting a loaded gun with contact alone. The two were hilarious together, and usually they could all keep from fighting over stupid things. There was something more on Jason’s mind and that’s what Tim saw when he noticed the softest shake to the tips of Jason’s fingers.

Tim watched Jason. He knew every eyelash, freckle, and the divots of his body no one dreamed about exploring. And though everyone was busy laughing and carrying on because at the core of it they could usually joke around without fallout. Tim felt pebbles littering the floor under Jason’s boots– could hear the cracks breaking apart the walls he keeps up to shroud himself from any social moment obliterate. Tim’s fingers just teased the exposed skin behind his scalp, soothing the tension leaking out but it was too late. The snap jarring. Making his hand pull back, and his entire body feel the back draft of anger wanting to suddenly consume the space.

“Whatever, determined brats! Waste of my time the lot of you. I’m fucking out–” and with that Jason literally jumped off the rooftop edge. Dick rose his hands as if to ask ‘what the hell’ towards Tim, but he was situating himself over as well with a silent. ‘Ill talk to him.’

Chasing down robins was a chore no one in the batfamily ever wanted to be on the receiving side of. It was good training and Batman usually could be stumped in his own hunts if they had help. Tim stayed on his toes, careful not to be too close to encourage a rubber bullet shot his way, but enough swings over the highest sky-rises left him easily by Jason’s side. The small space between them felt oceans wide. A breeze filling the void in a coaxing whisper to close the gap entirely.

Winter was in Gotham. It's crisp almost daringly clean air made the cityscape dotted in white specks of snow oddly beautiful. The chill kept the bad guys at bay, no one wanting to be outside in such weather unless Mr. Freeze was out and about causing havoc. They stood there a moment overlooking the city. The cackle of their comms alerted them to a few things over the police scanner the batcomputer picked up but others were in route. For once, Gotham seemed quiet. Allowed the snow to cleanse the evil cloud of smog always hovering over it to expose the sky for once. Tim dared to say it was beautiful. But then again his eyes weren't on the city below like Jason's were. Tim’s mind reeled in concern the longer he stared. Wanting to fix things was at his core. Jason knew that Tim was already wanting to do this for him– to work out what was happening and offer a solution so it didn’t cause this friction. Tim wasn’t surprised by his words–

“Sorry back there,” Jason’s rough voice sounded through the helmet. Tim didn’t respond, instead pressed his arm against Jason’s to close the distance. Letting his weight reside against his own be all the words needed. It was a little cowardly but the space welcomed the warmth shared between them, a breathless sigh just barely heard break past Jason’s lips all the praise he needed. That was the easiest way to talk in Tim's book. Touch. A gaze. Something quiet, without loud words, or boisterous declarations. Jason leaned into it. Just enough to respond as well while the night of Gotham peered on as their backdrop.

Tim realized patrol could be wrapped up early without much consequence, so he slid his hand down the thick lining of Jason’s leather jacket until his gloved fingers slotted with his own.

“Lets call it a night,”

 “Okay,”

They had a spare bag on a random rooftop. Stripping quickly down was more work for Tim than Jason, but they were on route to a safe house before the chilled air bothered either of them. Tim had grabbed his hand again. No other words had been spoken on their walk down Gotham streets, their hoods up so neither got recognized for being around these parts of town on the cameras. Jason’s hands were large– bear size palms that quite literally ate up his own. They were always somehow soft and blistering warm, and Tim never knew how. Some how beating the cold even if they didn’t have gloves on. Tim’s thumb dragged along a raised scar that ran down the side of Jason’s palm. One he didn’t entirely remember earning, but Tim obsessively enjoyed feeling it’s raised design marred permanently into his calloused skin.

“You know, after tonight-- I’ve been really thinking about quitting Gotham. I don't know why I am still here,” Jason broke the silence like ice shattered on tiled floor. Tim winced in mild shock of it. The city of Gotham responded loudly in a forever thump of noise and panic, but Jason’s words were usually sarcastic and witty after a night of patrol– not heavy and weighed in ways Tim wasn’t sure he could help with. His heart couldn’t help but respond first. Worry etching a break he was easily preparing himself for when everyone left him eventually. He leaned against Jason to further wrap his forearm around his own so he was pressed impossibly close in their steps.

“You do whatever you need to Jay,”

It was the sad truth, and Jason’s small frown was enough to tell Tim that his immediate answer hadn't been well received. And though it carved countless fractures in Tim’s sometimes glass heart he couldn’t begin to ever deny he hadn’t thought of this outcome before. They walked up to the apartment complex, hammering a few codes in the back door to get through security to their small place upstairs.

The place was bare for the most part, an old rug twisted in thousands of unique colors to make a mosaic of hues they each guessed new names for after too many late nights. Various mixed matched furniture littered the studio floor plan, from white painted bookcases overstocked in Jason’s favorites– or in tarnished metals carved to hold planks of wood for a table. The lights were Christmas lights they had found at a yard sale and couldn’t help but litter every wall in their twinkling glow. Right now they had a small Christmas tree in the corner of the living room with an angel on the top sporting batwings and a mask.

But it was theirs. It was their’s. It was home. More than either ever felt anywhere else. It was small. Had a slight smell to it depending on if their neighbor was cooking with curry again. Things they have found over the last few months filled it out in personalization. If they liked something, they bought it. There were a few plants in the windows well cared for, and an enormous computer Tim built to work on things when he didn’t care to travel out. Tim loved it. Loved it more than anything because he could wake up and stare at dark lashes, and a relaxed expression on Jason’s face. He could comb his fingers just through his fringe and bring open his eyes so quickly he sometimes thought Jason didn’t sleep at all when he was on perfect alert to the smallest touch.

But the killer instinct in Jason burned so hot in those split seconds it forever left Tim entranced. So easy to burn his wings as Icarus when in orbit of someone so frightening breathtaking. It consumed him, moving with simplistic desires to feel his skin burn raw and his breath laid captured to Jason’s sudden inhale against his throat. It was a symphony of lights and sounds overwhelming to short circuit everything around them, their movements well orchestrated to drag out their pleasures and devour their souls. But it never felt permanent.

“What will you do?” Tim asked frozen in time within the safety of their living room, picking up on the conversation from before even though it had been briefly spoken less than thirty minutes prior. Jason shrugged off his jacket to deposit it on a hook near the unused front door. Tim watched the movements like he was about to experience Jason choosing to walk through it. To leave him.

“Considering heading out with Kori for a while, but then there is a little work in space. I learned how to fly a ship and I wouldn’t mind being off world,” he admitted these words without glancing once at Tim. Which was probably for the better, because he had instinctively gripped his chest– eyes wide in shock to that particular revelation. Nails dug into the leather of his coat just unzipped to reveal his buttoned shirt.

Jason didn’t just want to leave Gotham. He wanted to leave Earth.

Tim prided himself on his genius. He was already mapping out areas of space that was charted but the Justice League and probably needed help Jason could provide-- and who knew. Kori was always up for getting away. Her spirit was actual fire, and unlike other aliens who harbored a strong bond with Earth as home she could look out to space with a distant sad smile and say ‘lets go’. Tim envied her freedom even though she deserved so much more than what had been handed to her in the past. Sometimes watching her interactions with the others with a separate longing for her to say ‘Tim lets go for an adventure!’ and it be some waterpark or children’s museum that she doesn’t entirely understand.

Hands were suddenly unbuttoning his shirt in a haste he could easily be swept up in. Tim registered the movement barely, panic had settled into his mind. Hazing it to the point he only responded when a very familiar mouth dragged down his pulse point. His body spoke first with a shutter and a breathy distracted sound, but his mind was reeling at the possibilities of adventures Jason could have out there in deep space without him. What monsters were out there? What aliens friendly or not would pose a threat? How would he know he was okay? Would he miss him?

"Come with me–“ the words almost missed from his overwhelming emotions burned against the tendons of his neck now stretched to the side to accommodate the larger man. Tim could barely see anything else. Near black strands of hair kissed against his cheeks, meeting the intensity of Jason’s gaze now that he lifted up to present a soft compression of lips to his own. Tim’s heart was hammering wildly, shifting his weight enough to slide both hands up Jason’s expansive back in a desperate hug. He pulled him as close as he could, knowing he was screaming 'don’t leave' without forming words. Jason gripped him impossibly tight to feel the tremor in his arms– in the frantic pulse laid to his own chest. Jason was scared. Tim was shattering.

"Tim come with me,” the words continued to make his world narrow, vision white out along the very corners. Because there was so much to consider, but not with Jason. The spontaneous revelation proved only Jason had been thinking about and planning it far longer than Tim had been allowed to know. Jason never did anything without thorough consideration to all his options. The Red Hood was a mantle of bad reputations and damaged memories. But Jason always planned everything with a fine tooth comb being trained as a detective by the Batman.

Hands palmed around his lithe waist, Tim realizing that he still hadn’t said a thing– but words were devoured before he could hope to open and offer support. Jason sensed his shock, and the two wrapped up in a congesting hug of limbs over further disrobing. Tim’s nose hooked just into the beautiful curvature of Jason’s neck, scenting their shampoo and the musky aftershave Jason used last night. The quiet of the apartment was dulled by the remembrance of Gotham around them. A cat screeched outside followed by various shouts by some male. The rumbling of the subway cars shook the apartment gently as it passed. Tim knew precisely when the next one would be following it. Their family was here. Gotham was their home and he knew there was no actual way to part with it.

Jason was holding him, powerful arms crossed lovingly around his back with his palms hooked on either side of his ribs. Tim was in impeccable shape but he always felt tiny when in Jason’s arms. The man larger than life in so many ways that Tim couldn’t believe he was even here to have him. _Still no answer fell past his lips._

“I love you,” Jason’s words continued to set fire to his soul, and he felt his skin goosebump in a fevered response. He was stronger than this. Mentally he should be able to work out the proper response because he loved him too. Why couldn't he say it? Why did he stay in orbit instead letting it all burn him up? But emotions were hard to filter when he was caught surprisingly off guard. Especially when he was drowning in unspoken things and knowing outcomes from his past. “I can’t stay here– please Tim come with me. Don’t let me leave you–”

A gag threatened to constrict his throat. The realization it was a possible for him to write his coming loneliness in stone. It wasn’t fair to ask this of him, but Tim understood why Jason was doing all of this. That was the most difficult part right? In being able to take a step back and really understand. It was why people could so easily leave him-- _because you let them_.

“Babe?” Jason was worrying now, and the endearment shared made his chin pull back and better see the man who was okay with leaving. Tim drew his gaze up the hook of Jason’s chin, following the scruff patchy from the helmet along the higher parts of his cheeks. Jason’s ears were big, hallowed gently and tucked backwards to lay nicely under long hair. He appeared so young right now. Though age wasn’t ever something they cared about in the life they lead as superheros. The dark fringe dusting long eyelashes made Jason look almost childish. Like he was in desperate need of a haircut and had no parent to tell him otherwise.

A fond smile brightened his face without his consent, but it spoke to resignation over his adoration. Jason’s concern folded into out right worry. Tim chose to only follow the expression. Dragging his thumb over the wrinkles around his eyes, the long line in the frown just framing his ruby red lips. His thumb hooked over the flush skin, Jason instinctively kissed it. Bringing it gently into his mouth with pupils dilating in equal parts need in attention and natural arousal. He pulled away enough to dance finger tips up through Jason’s thick mane of hair. To remove the strands from his face– to push up on his tip toes and rest his forearms along the towering height of his shoulders to get to a better position.

Jason’s hands slid down his waist and lifted him like he weighed nothing. Heat penetrated the contact making his stomach coil in wants and his heart break in truths. Tim hooked his legs around his waist, Jason moving them towards the bed. They didn’t kiss anymore. An intensity felt between their locked gaze and Jason’s impeccable navigation without needing to look in the correct direction. They landed carefully. Tim folding forward to further keep his arms around Jason’s upper body– refusing to look away as promised long ago, fingers just brushed cheeks. Mapping his face as longing made a ball of anxiety twist cruelly in his gut.

“You’re scaring me,” Jason admitted, grabbing his left hand and threading their fingers together.

“You are leaving me,” Tim barely got out. Swallowing the emotions before they crept up in his tone. For so long he buried anything that showed weakness in this area. He would shake a friends hand, or wave his parents goodbye. He even allowed Bruce to treat him a little different because of what happened with Jason. To be the Robin Batman needed over who he actually wanted to be. It was safer this way. To just cherish whatever he could have from those around him before he closed his eyes and wondered when it would be torn away.

“I was going too eventually–” Jason mistakenly said, and Tim’s heart cracked around the edges. It must show because Jason winced and sighed, leaning forward enough to press a sweet kiss to his cheek. His broad chest encompassed Tim entirely and he took advantage to sneak one of his hands up Jason’s shirt. His own half unbuttoned already encouraging Jason’s palms to run along his sides.

“I didn't mean it that way...I just don’t want to be here, but you are here. What can I do?” Jason’s vulnerable tone had splintered Tim’s usual defenses. Leaving him feeling expose alongside his partner. The concern wasn’t in leaving with Jason. It was everything else not spoken. He wanted instinctively to have a fail safe but that required planning that Jason clearly didn’t care about working out.

Which meant one thing. He knew expected Tim to say goodbye.

“Tim– forget it okay? I’ll stay. Go undercover maybe?” Jason back peddled quickly, but even those words exposed the truth Jason wasn't directly saying either. Undercover work would also take him away. Did he really want to not be around? After everything they all worked to build back up, the trust to the missions did Jason not believe that his family loved him? Tim became unaware that tears burned his eyes and all the years of keeping his emotions in check when it came to people he loved who left him threatened to break a usually well contained dam. He inhaled. Clearing his head– clinging tightly for a few frantic seconds. It was like consuming something rancid. Overwhelming. Eating him from the inside out. He gasped just enough to realize he had to go. He pulled away. Unfolding himself entirely from the bed shared between them. He was buttoning his shirt, reaching for the jacket tossed on the floor and shrugged it onto his shoulders. Jason was calling for him. Could hear him clear as day but Tim’s flight instincts ignited to the point he had to leave first.

He hated that he was crying like a fucking child.    
He hated that this was happening because he finally felt loved.   
He hated that he wasn’t staying and fighting for…

He paused. Jason frozen a few steps away clearly blocking the window out with his large self. That was the difference right? His gaze lingered up to the flickering lights on the Christmas Tree painting Jason in merry hues. His hair was standing up in a thousand directions. Muscles exposed from his open shirt drawing a passionate filled gaze down the lines of his abs and to the dark thatch of hair peeking out from above his loosely worn pants. Tim's desires swelled unwanted and distractedly. Why was he so beautiful? Why was he covered in marring scars and disheveled in appearance so perfectly? Tim wanted to devour him. To grip his chin and bite his lips. To draw out every sound he could and place them to a possessive memory.

Yet they stood in their space. In orbit with an energy that spoke of loss and longing. Music flowed up from the hallway. Canon in D bellowing a sad slow cello part before the shrill of the violin crescendo. Tim realized he was causing Jason distress the longer they remained frozen a dozen steps apart but this was the first time Tim was processing everything.

Life and Love. They all lacked that being superheroes-- Tim knew they sacrificed those two important human elements alongside their understanding of death being just outside the door. It was easy to run away or focus on the mission like their mentor. To stay in orbit because accepting those two things usually meant risk-- and risk was a gamble in their profession. But how long did they have?

“You can’t leave me–” he said seriously, hands curling in fists. Droplets angrily hanging onto his lashes. The next inhale roared painfully. “You have any idea how many people have?! I can’t do this! I won’t let you go! I don't care if its for a mission! Thats different Jason! But you are leaving! Just...leaving! I can't--"

Tim realized in those seconds it was the first time he ever asked someone to stay. His throat ached at the scream, the tension of emotions releasing down his neck and across his shoulders. Precious seconds passed and Jason swallowed, running his fingers through his hair looking weirdly nervous. Tim's eyes narrowed in on any tells on the Red Hood-- Jason reading a mixture of disheveled emotions.

“Alright– okay...anything for you,” he said quietly, and Tim was shocked at the sincerity enough to stagger back.

“But you planned this– why just agree with me right now?” his logical brain wouldn’t shut up but whatever exposure Tim was showing was only making Jason’s smile more beautiful. Did he plan this too? Was he lying the entire time? Fondness looked distracting good on Jason even though Tim was seeking deception. Jason's chin tilted low, dilated pupils raised to bring out the natural intensity of his crystalline hues. “Stop smiling!!” Tim added exasperated, feeling childish, elation wrapped around his chest in what could only be hope.

Jason laughed embarrassed at the outburst and Tim could tell he was thinking things over, that Jason meant it-- he wouldn't leave if Tim asked that of him. Which was simple and crazy at the same time. Tim was reminded once again at what love was and why he couldn’t let it ever leave him now that he knew what it felt like. Did that bone chilling loneliness hit Batman like this? All those times he ran into those who some how understood him-- the ones he caught...put himself in orbit for a selfish moment and released back into the world without indulgences. Tim didn't want to live like that. He loved Bruce. He loved all his broken family. But he didn't want to fall into step anymore with this. Either of them.

He ran forward and brought their mouths desperately together. Frantically seeking more answers, confirmations blended with a bone deep yearning. It punched his own airways as well as Jason's. A near desperate gasp making him pull back to inhale deeply-- starring down at Jason who groaned near his mouth and responded weak kneed and lower in stance than Tim. His hand quickly shot out to grab the ledge of the window to keep himself and Tim from actually falling over. Tim was dizzy with emotion, and exhausted from worry he wished he hadn’t allowed himself to feel.

“Jason I love you,” Tim finally said it. Never had those words slipped out, not on accident or when Jason woke up and spoke them to his cheeks. 

“I know,” Jason hummed to his jaw, Tim feeling his smile above all else.

"I never told anyone this-- I didn't know what it felt like,"  
"Me either," Jason admitted.

“Will you really stay?” he found himself asking once more and Jason chuckled deeply, pulling back so they could see one another better.

“I will if you want me too. I'm at a crossroads either way...I am always at one, it feels like a curse,"  
 “Is that why you wanted to leave?”

Jason swallowed thickly, Tim noticing signs of old distress tightening his pupils and constricting his jaw. The window was chilly being so close to it, so Tim wrapped his hand into Jason's and dragged him to the couch. Shrugging of his jacket and buttoning Jason's shirt so he would stay warm. Talking over taking. This was new as well.

“Maybe I thought I didn’t deserve this,” Tim understood. Nodding lightly and sighing gently between them. They weren’t perfect. Tim knew this job came at a great price to their well being. Knew daily they were walking straight into danger. If the scars both internally and marred to their skin didn’t cause this doubt. Because Tim didn’t feel like he deserved it either. Even after pumping himself up to admit his feelings jsut now, in mapping out all the reasons why. It was clear it wasn't because of any good reason– but because they didn’t think it possible to have anything worth holding onto.

Tim sighed into Jason’s chest, trailing his feather light fingers down to cradle low along his back. Jason leaned against the cushions, the moments silence for once peaceful.

"Do you think about the other Earth's? How there are other versions of us out there?" Tim inquired after many passing minutes. The music from their neighbor still played holiday music. It's classical tunes filled the room, lulling the two worn out robins into threatened sleep. His body was sluggish and warm, but they remained together without seeking to leave the couch for the bed. He felt Jason’s shoulder tense gently, so he pressed his palms up his spine pulling back to catch his eyes. To drag his lips up his sharp jaw. Tim loved how he fit perfectly by his side. He sighed at the comfort and closeness-- _Mine_.

"Not really. I can't imagine my life without Bruce-- or you," Jason's breath hitched when Tim nipped in a hallowed joint under his jaw. He smelled so good. It was different tonight. Tim always enjoyed the knowing scents of Jason but right now after he admitted something so real as love made him intoxicating. He could laugh at the science of it. Knowing some chemical reaction was making this happen over a magical love infused answer. But he couldn't aim to care. Not right now.

"I found information in the computer that you were a priest on one of them," Tim chuckled low in his throat. "We're probably not together in that world."

Jason shook his head amused, "a priest. What a loser."

"A loser?-- Jason geez, thats a great path in life," Tim nuzzled him but Jason lifted him up to bring their mouths together. Jason coaxed his tongue in with a gentle prod, turning his head to deepen it and steal Tim's teasing words. The flavor of smoke and peppermint from a candy cane Jason had sucked on their walk drove Tim insane. He cradled his hands around Jason's face rolling his hips forward to better crowd their space.

"We're ok?" Jason asked against his mouth, and Tim nodded. Jason hummed in approval looking happy blended somehow with guilt still. Tim would allow him that, but only for tonight until he helped Jason figure out what he really wanted.

"I don't actually celebrate, but Merry Christmas," Jason's smile was filled with adoration and Tim was sure he was to burn up being in orbit with this amazingly stupid, handsome man. 

"Merry Christmas Jason,"

 

 


End file.
